Infidelity: Advice You Should Ignore
1. Recovery is only possible if both partners want to save the relationship. NO! It is quite possible and often happens that if one wants to save the relationship, this can be done. When one partner changes their behavior, the other does not respond in the same way and the relationship changes.
2. For recovery, the affair must be immediately ended, with no further contact. NO! It is actually quite difficult to immediately stop a romantic relationship, and this can result in not only resentment, but a strong longing for the other, who is now missed. It is much better to let the person end the relationship in their own way.
3. If your partner has an affair, there is no true love for you. NO! There are many reasons that affairs can occur, and they usually do not involve whether or not there is love in the marriage. Although one or both partners may conclude that the love must be gone, this may only represent assumptions about current situation.
4. An affair is an indication that the marriage has major problems. NO! An affair often starts with innocent friendship, which then spills over into emotional sharing and intimacy when circumstances allow close or frequent contact.
5. You should get support from family and friends. NO! Those who have been confided in are aware of the betrayal and hurt that has been suffered, and may have advised leaving the relationship. If the relationship is restored, they no longer see the partner in the same light, and this often causes awkward family relationships.
6. Things will never be as good as they were. NO! Once the relationship is restored, it is very often even stronger than it was before, as this is a major incident they have gotten through together. In addition, they learned much about each other that brings them closer and have improved communication.
7. If you stay, it means that you have low self-esteem or you are weak. NO! Recovering from infidelity represents strength and the courage to face difficulties. It is not rolling over and accepting whatever happens to you, it is taking difficult circumstances and creating something positive out of it.
8. The feeling of being “in love” with the affair partner is the love that is real. NO! The first phase of love is a special time in any relationship – this is often the “in love” period that people enjoy. This period in a new relationship lasts anywhere from about 6 months to about 2 years. During this period, chemicals get released in the brain that maintain the euphoria. It is a different but deeper love that develops after this period.
9. If you are really headed for divorce, there is no point in rehashing the affair. NO! Whether or not you stay together, what happened contains valuable information about how a relationship works, and it is important for future relationships of each partner to analyze why this happened.
10. Explicit sexual details should not be shared. NO! This is a very controversial topic, and many people feel that this will only exacerbate the pain, and place images in the mind. However, for most people, it helps to restore trust if absolutely nothing is kept hidden, and helps to know that there is no longer anything private between the affair partners.